


Drunk Friends, Sober Feelings.

by TheBiQueenOfLineBreaks (TheUnwritten1219)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attentive Dean Winchester, Best Friends, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Cas Wearing Deans Clothes, Drunken Shenanigans, Everyone Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fluff, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Dean Winchester, Pining Castiel (Supernatural), Platonic Cuddling, Protective Dean Winchester, Sharing a Bed, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, legal drinking, pride month
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:23:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24392014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheUnwritten1219/pseuds/TheBiQueenOfLineBreaks
Summary: I got drunk with my best friend/roommate and we got married because it sounded like the funniest thing to do at 7AM on a Thursday after a really difficult night when you’re piss drunk but now my girlfriend is mad and we just never got around to annulling the marriage.And now it’s been two years and Cas and I are still married. Au.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 21
Kudos: 282





	Drunk Friends, Sober Feelings.

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Heavily intoxicated characters.  
> I hope you enjoy and stay safe!  
> Ps: There are several bits where our characters are intoxicated and appear to be talking lucidly, I would like to clarify they are not, that is simply for easier comprehension on the readers part. I know it's not very realistic but it makes it easier to read.

Cas isn't the most affectionate of people.

His interpretation of risque PDA was a kiss on the cheek.

Okay, maybe Dean's exaggerating a bit, but how else do you explain the tight expression he holds every time Dean takes hold of Lisa's hand when the three of them go out?

Exactly.

Cas' most devoted expression of affection were his hugs (Though, in Cas' defense, his hugs were pretty damn good.) Even then, hugs were limited to close friends and family and _only_ on special occasions, y'know-like funerals.

But hey, Dean was no one to judge; he was the same way. Only true difference between the two was that unless Dean was in a relationship with you, he avoided all forms of displayed affection.

Especially if Dean was sad or upset, the _last_ thing he wanted was to be touched or coddled. Castiel on the other hand?

The dude friggin' loved it!

What was even weirder was, Dean kind of loved it too.

Being Castiels' best friend, Dean was the number one recipient for unsolicited affection when the need arose. Which Dean couldn't really say he minded.

So what? The guy needed a little TLC, everyone did sometime.

Cas never failed to be there for Dean in whatever way the man needed, Dean figured this was his way of returning the favor.

Downside?

There only really seemed to be one, If Cas ever presented with a hankering for some intimacy, it was often a result of him feeling _sad_.

While Dean himself secretly took pleasure in being Cas's outlet - not for any other reason than he was glad Cas had positive forms of coping with distress- the protective part of him felt sort of restless, for not being able to keep his buddy from it in the first place.

He soon found that his innate protective instinct could be effectively sated rather quickly when Cas rested his head on Dean's shoulder during game night or played with his fingers while they vegged out on the couch, so he never complained.

He simply let his friend take comfort from him like any other person would do, and if he also got a bit of personal benefit from it, what was the harm in that?

That brings us to now, Dean and Cas were sitting beside one another on the couch, watching endless reruns of Dr. Sexy. Lisa - Dean's girlfriend of nearly a year - was out at some bachelorette party and it was the first time in too long that they had some bro-time.

It was well past midnight, somewhere after 3am but before 4, when Cas' phone rang rather loudly, signalling a text message.

Instinctively, Dean rolled his eyes, knowing _exactly_ who was texting his roommate this late.

Cas and Ketch had been dating for a few months. Nothing too serious from what Dean had gathered, but the guy had a knack for being a real dick, which in turn frequently resulted in a sulking Cas shyly asking if Dean would be opposed to slinging an arm over his shoulder.

(He never was.)

Cas' phone rings again, this time his X-files ringtone shouting for his attention.

"Hello, Arthur." Cas greets his phone, standing up and walking into the kitchen for a little privacy.

Deans not very keen on listening in on their lovey-dovey exchange anyhow.

Another commercial was droning on when Dean heard an outraged scoff come from the dining area.

"Are you being serious?" Cas is shouting, a rarity all on its own.

Dean ignores the rush of excitement that rushes up his spine at the signs of Cas being angry at the irritating Englishman.

"...Fine. Goodbye."

"What's up, buttercup?" Dean teases, calling out towards the kitchen and taking a swig from his beer. 

Before he can swallow, Cas is back in the living room tossing his phone across the room to the love seat snug against the opposite wall and has his face buried in Dean's neck.

Dean learned not to be taken too aback (or thrilled) by Cas' sudden urges to express affection shortly after he started dating Ketch.

The guy’s pretty insensitive to Cas' feelings - one of the reasons why Dean would like to run him over with his car - which easily translated into affection sessions between the two best friends.

Turning his head towards the T.V, Cas rests on Dean's chest and watches without uttering a word.

When Cas doesn't say anything for a few minutes longer, Dean tries to go with humor, "So we're getting drunk tonight is what I'm hearing?"

Offering a released puff of air was Cas' best attempt at a chuckle, tickling the back of Dean's neck and sending sparks of electricity down to the larger man's fingertips.

"What did dickhead do this time?"

Cas didn't seem _too_ bothered, so he figured it wasn't as bad as the last time, when Ketch had said " _Bees are useless insects, Cassie"_ and all hell had broken loose.

(Cas had fallen asleep curled up against Dean like a cat that night. Tides of _angry, frustrated_ ebbing away softly as they slept-a sight Lisa hadn't been at all thrilled by).

Cas sighs, snuggling deeper into the larger man, "He called to break up with me."

"He what!?"

Dean certainly wasn't expecting _that_.

Who in their right mind broke up with Cas? We're talking about _Cas!_

The man was practically an _angel_.

He was smart and funny and always knew exactly what you wanted for your birthday, not to mention he's a fucking bombshell! With all his dry humor and sex eyes, who was insane enough to let him go?

Dean already knew Ketch was an idiot, but honestly how dumb did you have to be to turn down the greatest person in the world?

Dean hadn't realized he had shot up from his seat in astounded outrage until he heard Cas' displeased groans as he let himself sink face first onto their old ratty couch where Dean had just sat.

"Ugh, I was comfortable, Dean." Cas lifts his head to complain before flopping back down against the couch.

"I hate men!" he cries out, but it's muffled against the cushions of the couch.

Dean scoffs and shakes his head, "That's about as true as _me_ hating men."

"Oh please, your preferences for men are wildly different from mine."

Well, this conversation took a turn.

Dean recognized Cas' change of subject as the avoidance it is, but took the bait anyway,

"How do you figure that one?" He asks, genuinely curious.

Sitting up Cas curls his feet underneath himself and meets the eyes of his roommate of 6 years, "For one, your attraction to men is strictly physical and _I_ want to get married someday."

"I could marry a man!" Dean argues, "There just aren't any guys out there available for me."

_You aren't available for me._

"There are plenty of men out there. You just so happen to prefer women for serious relationships, and I get that."

"Yeah, well not all guys can be as compelling as you, bud."

"Are you propositioning me, Dean?" Cas smirks, watching Dean roll his eyes and shift uncomfortably, "Because if you are, I'm not sure you'd like my answer. "

"Oh, you wish." Dean laughs off walking in the direction of the kitchen, missing the crestfallen expression Castiel fights to remove from his face.

He returns moments later holding a half empty bottle of whiskey.

"We're getting drunk tonight!"

***

Soon enough the two men were laughing and giggling until their sides hurt.

Neither of them could really tell you what was so funny, but they knew they felt _good._ Happy.

The two of them hadn't gotten this drunk in a couple months. The fear of a hangover was much too imminent to risk, especially with full time jobs. It's possible they were out of practice.

Point is, out of practice or not, Cas was leaning against Dean, drinking the last of his whiskey and listening to the soothing timbre of his voice.

He wasn't in the slightest bit sure of what he was saying or why he was laughing, but that voice, made by the gods, was mumbling so close to his ear, Dean's lips practically touching him, that everything that was them, right now didn’t matter. 

Cas never wanted the moment to end. Never wanted Dean to stop resting his arm over his shoulder, never wanted Dean to stop bringing his lips closer to Cas' ear or accidentally pressing kisses to the crown of his head.

Cas simply wanted to stay against him forever, wanted to live with him forever.

To wake up beside him and press kisses to his chest and arms and lips and _damn_ did he want to let Dean bend him over every available surface of this apartment, 'till neither of them could remember anything other than what they had made together. 

He recognized these thoughts.

He _must_ have had them before, he was certain of it, but he never told Dean...

He couldn't understand why.

He told Dean everything.

It was the truest thing he could possibly admit to the world, why wouldn't he say it?

He tries for a moment to think of a reason but he can't, so he decides to tell him anyway.

The words feel sluggish and all jammed together but he smiles up to an equally as wasted Dean despite himself.

"I wahnt yu forver."

He's throwing up before Dean can respond.

***

"Charlieee!"

Grinning widely, Charlie takes her spare key from the cheering inhabitants lock taking in the scene before her, "Holy shit, you guys are fucking _sauced!"_

Dean is sat on the ground pressed against the couch, _very_ shirtless, while Cas had his legs sprawled across Dean's knees lying on his back drowning in Dean's oversized flannel.

Their cheeks are flushed and hair disheveled, looking like they're right on the cusp of disaster.

But they're smiling broadly and without an inch of space between them, Charlie's not inner fangirl squealing in delight.

She should have realized something was off when she received a text at 6 AM from Dean that read;

**_Call ot of wurk. Bbrig liqur --3_ **

Maybe it says something about herself that she listened. Mentally, the redhead shrugs, glowing with mirth and amusement.

"Care to join us?" Dean asks lightly, seeming like he might be the slightest bit more lucid than Cas is.

Looking between the two of them, laughter in her eyes, she spots the empty bottle of whiskey on the ground beside Cas, then addresses the full bottle of Vodka in her hands, feeling something rather broad and defiant light up under her skin.

Shooting a quick text to her boss complaining of explosive diarrhea, the redhead pockets her cell and grins widely,

"I need to catch up." She declares, "Lets day drink, bitchez!"

***

Charlie was what one would call a light weight, meaning she was equally as inebriated as her two companions after a few sips from her Sex on the beach - because shes a goddamn lady and who the fuck drinks straight up liquor, Dean!?

Gasping loudly, she points to Castiel, feeling sorrow for her friend,

"He broke up with you over a _phone_ call? Aw, bud no wonder we're drinking."

"Oh, noo, noo, no. I don't give a shit! Don't feel sad," Cas corrects resting his head on Charlie's lap - it was _really_ heavy - to look up at the sitting woman.

"He didn't like _bees,_ Charlie! He was practically a _monster._ I didn't like him much."

"Oh..."

Furrowing her brows, Charlie takes another sip of her drink and looks between the roommates, "So why _are_ we drunk?"

"Dean thought I was sad b'cause I want to get married."

Even through the fog of blissful intoxication, Cas wondered how they managed to understand each other. He was pretty far gone, but he wasn't drunk enough to not acknowledge the awkward heaviness of his tongue as slurring. 

"You do wanna get married!" Dean protests, tugging on Cas' - err his?- sleeve until the man sits up and leans his back onto Dean's bare chest instead of Charlie's lap. His head lolling back to lean on his shoulder. 

"Ketch wasn't good enough for you anyway," he adds, "Speaking of, what the hell kind of a name is _Ketch_. Sounds like I should be putting him on my fries not dating my best friend. Plus," He says as an afterthought, "it doesn't go well with Castiel."

Charlie snorts unattractively, nodding her head fervently, "Your name _is_ pretty weird, blue."

Trying to defend himself, Cas tries not to sound too offended, "Well Novak goes well with Castiel."

"Yeah but it ain't perfect." Dean contests, running the tips of his fingers across the brunette's exposed collarbone. Drawing lazy patterns and leaving a trail of fire that rouses a desperate thirst, while also keeping it the slightest bit sated.

"There's gotta be a man with a surname good enough to go with my first."

Pouring herself another glass, not at all spilling a great deal of it on Dean and Cas' carpet, Charlie somehow manages to stand and relocate to the couch Dean is pressed up against, "Oh, I've got one! Castiel Solo sounds fucking bad ass."

Castiel throws his head back in laughter, "I wish!"

Then he feels Dean straighten up behind him. The hand tracing the heated flesh of Cas' neck drops down to his waist, where Dean allows something dark - _possessive -_ to tug the smaller man flush against him.

Drinking in the small gasp that Cas releases, Dean lowers his lips down to the other man’s ear, voice deep and demanding.

"Solo ain't got shit on Winchester."

It takes every remaining brain cell bouncing around Cas' head to prevent him from throwing his head back and showing Dean just what his voice and his hands and _fuck_ just everything that is Dean Winchester does to him. The fucking raw cosmic power he holds over him.

Humming in contemplation, Cas pauses, then turns his head to meet Dean’s eyes.

His gaze shifts from breathtaking green to even more captivating lips, deciding something that for whatever reason, has Dean holding his breath.

"Castiel Winchester" He turns the words over his tongue, finding he likes how they taste.

" T'sounds better." Dean mumbles as if in a trace, his hand somehow slipping beneath his own shirt that Cas wears and playing with the flesh hidden there. Fingers applying a whisper of pressure as he explores the planes of Cas' hip.

"It does..."

"Ohmygod, _Guys_! We should get matching tattoos!"

***

The conversations seemed to scatter after that. No true course or direction when neither of them had the forethought to maintain one.

It was just a lot of broken, half finished sentences, spoken with a variety of clarity.

"You're such a lightweight."

"Fuck you, Dean! I'm majestic!"

***

"You're drunk."

"You're beautiful."

"Shit, you're _really_ drunk."

"You're still beautiful."

"...Thank you,Dean."

***

“Who told you you could dance,Char?”

“Vodka did,Cas!”

***

"You don't think you deserve to be saved."

"I would let you save me...I think I already have."

***

"I'm not as drunk as Dean."

"No, you're drunker!"

"Nu-uh, I at least still have a shirt on."

"That isn't your shirt!"

"Oh."

***

"I always thought you two would end up together."

"Me too."

"Me too."

***

"Will you marry me?"

"... _Yes"_

_"Awwww!"_

***

The first thing Dean notices upon opening his eyes is the blindingly bright light peaking through his bedroom curtains. 

Moaning in annoyance, he screws his eyes shut with a painful level of intensity. The dull ache pounding in my head persistent with its slaughter on his mind, the beginnings of a hangover revealing itself bluntly.

The second thing the man noticed was a warm, petite, pliable body tucked comfortably beneath his arm. 

Instantly, the eldest Winchester feels himself go board stiff. The panic rising through his foggy brain rapidly, as Dean tries to remember what the hell happened last night. 

He shuts his eyes tightly again,attempting to bring the memories back to him.

_Running his tongue over the surface of rose petal lips, Dean released a shivering sigh. Relishing in the miles and miles of soft pale flesh, warm and soft beneath his own. Bringing his long strong fingers to Cas hips, he tugs the other man forward softly._

_Somewhere deep in the darkness of his mind there was someone in the far back telling him to be careful. To pull away - walk away. However, it was like Cas trapped him in a trance. A spell that influences bone deep instinct. And apparently his instincts were crying out for Cas' delicate -_ **_addictive_ ** _\- touch._

_"With the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husbands!"_

“Nnhh, Go back to sleep, Dean” A beautiful sleep filled voice rings through the silent bedroom. And Dean swears he hears bells.

His first instinctive thought is, _Oh, I'm dreaming. That makes much more sense._

Cas must have fallen asleep beside him again after the events of the previous night. Must still have been upset after they drank half their livers into oblivion.

Deciding to shake the unreliable images from his mind, he comforts his friend as he always does, bringing his arm across Cas abdomen running his thumb over toned muscles.

Groaning sleepily, Cas shifts so that he is now facing Dean seeping into his warmth and burying his head in the other man's neck.

Slowing down his breathing best he can, Dean pulls Cas impossibly closer. Wrapping the arm nearest to his middle, tighter by Cas' waist. 

Bravely, Dean lets his sleep-idled mind caress the skin at the small of Cas' back, expecting slumbered silence but rather what he receives as a response is an almost unheard hum of approval.

Finally, he loses the battle between consciousness and exhaustion allowing his eyes to flutter shut softly, thoughtlessly dropping a tender kiss to Cas' bear shoulder before succumbing to sleep. 

_Heavily amused and proud of herself for feigning sobriety for the entirety of a conversation over the phone, Charlie pockets her cell and turns in her seat to announce, "I called city hall, they don't have anything scheduled this early, so thunder-cats are a go! "_

_After half an hour of drinking only water, Charlie was the slightest bit more sober but still by no means_ not _terribly drunk (if she weren't, she ideally would have the common sense to stop her two friends before doing something quite so stupid.)_

_Dean was hardly listening to the redhead bouncing about laughing easily in the front seat of their cab, in favor of staring longingly into oceans of bright blue permanently fixed on his own._

_Not even caring that Charlie is right there, Dean replies with a incumbent laugh of his own, before staggering closer to the man beside him, bringing their faces closer so he can tell him, trying with all his might not to slur his next words - not when it was so vital for Cas to understand every letter of what he was about to promise._

_Cas was giggling freely, eyes crinkling a little in the corners in that way that made deans heart flutter,_

_"Cas?"_

_"Yes, Fiance." He holds the word 'fiance' for far too long, words woven together and not perfectly clear but Dean doesn't care. Cas’ voice calling him by that name makes Dean’s stomach drop in anticipation._

_Penetrating blue eyes gaze into Deans intensely, as a delayed pause suffocates the air around them. And it almost feels like they can feel the others heart beating in sync; proclaiming a song of promise Dean knows the lyrics too._

_Taking a deep breath and giving Cas a look much too serious for the easy going air they've shared during this whole ordeal, Dean lowers his voice, these words only belong to him Cas._

_"I will treat you_ so _well, Cas. I'll be so good for you. I_ promise.", _He swears, a drunken smile tugging the edges of his lips upward, " I will be the best husband to you that I can be because I look at you and I can't understand how anyone could have thought of you as 'not enough' when you are_ everything _to me."_

"Dean?" 

Cas' breaks through the clouds and wakes Dean from his half sleep, something akin to fear crawling down his spine. That didn't feel like a dream...

"Cas..."

"What happened last night?" Cas croaks, voice rough from sleep, "I can't really remember anything."

All at once Dean feels like the wind is knocked from him.

Cas hasn't moved from his position, tucked tightly beside his roommate. Eyebrows knit together in confusion as he assesses Dean's expression of distressed revelation, "Dean whats wrong?"

He raises his hand to rest the back of it on Dean's forehead, as to check for a temperature when it catches his eye for the first time, confirming just what has Dean stiff as a corpse. 

"Dean...W-Why am I wearing your father's ring?"

Dean opens and closes his mouth a few times, unable to formulate words, his brain effectively halted as he searches aimlessly for a response.

Fortunately, he's liberated from that obligation when both men are startled by a loud groan accompanied by a graceless shift of the mattress.

Peering over plush bedding, they then see Charlie slumped across the foot of Deans bed like the dutiful golden retriever she is. 

"If you two are fucking, I will cast a curse on both of your dicks."

***

Later, the three of them are sitting at the kitchen table, attempting to put what fragments of what they remember together until they reach the only sure conclusion of what happened only hours ago.

Before them, sat smugly and damning in all its legality was a crisp certificate broadcasting their inebriated decisions.

It was undeniably official. With it's notarized seal and somehow perfectly legible signatures provided by both... _grooms_ , the judge and their witness.

"So..." Charlie pierces the silence abruptly clapping her hands to gain the attention of her two friends, "Y'all think I could forgo getting somthin' off the registry considering I was the witness at your wedding?"

Deans nose flares in annoyance fixing Charlie with a stern look.

Placing a calming hand to Dean bicep, Cas usefully manages to placate the larger man. Fulling ignoring the burning metal still clinging to his third finger.

"Charlie," He admonishes gently.

"Guys relax." Charlie stresses, raising both hands in surrender,

"This isn't a huge deal, you'll just get the marriage annulled in a few days and it'll be like nothing."

_Annulment!_ Deans brain shouts in a moment of relief. He had entirely forgotten about the concept of annulment.

"There you go." The redhead praises, perceiving the tension easing itself from Dean shoulders. 

"Anyway, I've gotta go tell my girlfriend about a wicked threesome I was involved in with a beefcake and a twink," She winks, preferring to fill the air with humor to combat the heavy strain living in the apartment, 

"Mazel Tov, guys!" Charlie cries, shutting the door behind her.

And just like that, the roommates were left alone.

Several moments pass in silence. Neither of them sure on how to break it.

Castiel swallows thickly,casting his eyes downwards, unwilling to meet Deans gaze. The anxiety of their situation wrapping a cold biting hand around his throat, tightening with each solitary moment.

"Are things going to be uncomfortable now?” Cas asks hesitantly, sounding absolutely broken.

Dean, equally as unsure of himself, looks to his best friend.

When tears begin to pool behind crystal blue eyes, Dean is moving without thinking, pulling the shorter man practically into his lap. Rubbing his back as soothingly as he could, switching swiftly into protector mode, the only comprehensive compulsion being to hold him, comfort him, _love_ him...

_"I love you. I love you...I love you" It was spoken between deep and soft kisses, through slick lips and vibrating flesh. Chanted like coveted gospel; a secret prayer they just couldn't keep to themselves. Muffled by the pressing of skin and gasping moans._

_Recited then recounted, as the only words either of them could say as they took turns confessing and declaring with nimble fingers across flushed skin. Both men wondered when they would wake from this wonderful uncertain dream._

_Delighted_ _and warmer than they had ever been, the looming fear of never being able to say those three little words to the man so real and alive within their hands serves only to drive them to saying it again and again past trembling lips and watery eyes._

_"I_ **_love_ ** _you."_

"I'm sorry," Cas apologizes tearfully, pulling Dean from-from...

Dean shakes his head, letting Cas cling to him.

"Don't be sorry, Cas. It's fine like Charlie said, we'll just get it annulled."

Even as he says the words with a reassuring smile, Dean feels his heart seize within his chest in protest.

He ignores it.

"And besides if that wasn't an option, there are worse people to be married to."

Chuckling wetly, Cas pulls away. Sniffling adorably, 

"But you have a girlfriend, Dean."

It's the first time he's though of her at all, a sharp edge of _fuck_ attacks his thoughts.

Regaining himself swiftly, Dean shakes her from his thoughts.

"I'll deal with her later," he decides.

"Don't you worry about Lisa and don't you go thinkin' anything catastrophic happened, okay?... _Okay_?" He says a little more forcefully until Cas nods.

"Good. 'Cause you're my best bud, Cas. Of course things won't be weird. I promise. Nothing is gonna change."

Still unconvinced, Cas nods again, "Alright, Dean."

"Damn straight. Now, go cook me some dinner like a good housewife."

Barking out a loud laugh, Cas wipes the last of his tears and shoves the larger man away, "Fuck you!"

Smirking, Dean wiggles his eyebrows mockingly, "Cas, sweetheart. We're married now. We don't do that."

"I _hate_ you."

"Such beautiful vows!"

Thankfully, Dean catches the wooden spoon aimed at his head before it has a chance to cause its desired damage.

Laughing easily, he thinks, _Yeah... We're going to be fine._

Dean would just get the marriage annulled and they would be fine...

***

Telling Lisa about the whole 'I married my best friend' ordeal could have definitely gone better.

Admittedly, Dean shouldn't have blurted it out, but seriously, he went over it again and again and truthfully there was no gentle way of delivering _this_ kind of news.

You can't really blame her for the reaction.

"You did _what_!?"

"Listen, Lis. We were- Well, we were hammered. Ketch had broken up with Cas over a phone call and one thing lead to ano-"

Lisa's eyes widen to the size of dinner plates, her expression shifting from confused upset to outraged...understanding?

"You married _Cas!?"_ Lisa accuses, face turning red.

"Lisa, please calm down." Dean pleads, teeth clenched feigning a smile through them.

Sensing the piercing gaze lined with judgement, emanating off passing patrons, abandoning their own conversation to listen to Deans.

Maybe picking a public place to tell his girlfriend he was married to someone _else_ hadn't been Deans brightest Idea.

"Don't tell me to calm down, Dean! You married someone else- _No_ , You married _Castiel!_ Of fucking course he married Castiel." She says the last bit to herself, running frustrated fingers through long tresses of brown hair.

"Well, did you fuck him too!?"

Her voice carries across the pond in the center of the park, several parents gasping their disapproval and making a show of covering the ears of their children.

The shame and embarrassment swiftly soaks into his skin. Gaze challenging the violent rage swimming in Lisa's brown eyes.

Clenching his fists, Dean looks between his girlfriend and their audience, catching the sight of several particularly condemnatory scowls.

_"_ Lisa!" He says lowly, chastising her pointedly.

The look one would give a child making a tantrum.

The glare he gives her only manages to fan the fire of her anger further as the brunette opens her mouth again to shout a new mass of obscenities.

Mostly, Dean took it like a man. He clenched his jaw and took her anger in stride, given it was well deserved. It wasn't until she mentioned Cas name again did Deans blood run cold and the roar of undeniable rage washed over him.

"It just _had_ to be your precious Castiel," Lisa is spitting her words out like venom meant to poison the man before her, "Since he's such a fucking _whore_ for you. I can only imagine how easy it was."

" _Enough!"_ He bellows.

Lisa's eyes widen, taking a step back from the pure intimidation emanating off of Dean.

"Don't you talk about him like that." He says the words slow, menacingly, each one punctuated with fire and ice. Each syllable burns her with their severity and turns her cold all at once.

She is only startled for a second, quickly recovering and succumbing to her anger once again.

It's needless to say they were soon escorted off the premises by near law enforcement for 'Disturbing the Peace'.

After several failed attempts and nearly twenty minutes of Dean apologizing and assuring Lisa he planned to annul the marriage soon enough, the woman begrudgingly got into the car.

Crossing her arms irately, she stomps over to the passengers side, glaring at Dean the entire time. Never breaking eye contact when she slams the door hard enough to make Dean wince.

Even so, the entire trip she sat as far from Dean as his ancient muscle car would allow, angling her body so her knees were facing the door. If she were any more pressed against the medal it would fuse with her skin.

Sighing heavily Dean tries to prepare himself mentally for what awaits him in his relationship.

It was a long ride to Lisa's apartment.

***

Cas was sure his heart was going to explode.

Dean had left two hours ago to tell Lisa about their _...marriage._

The thought still sent a jolt of adrenaline through his entire body. A jittery sensation he spent years learning how to mask. 

Irrationally, he wishes he could remember that night better. Wishes it wasn't a tangled swarm of disorganized and unfinished half-memories that taunt him at night. So snarled and wonderful, he's unable to discern truth from fiction.

Phantom whispers that sound too much like Dean saying things, life changing things, things Cas has no right wishing were said to him.

But that's besides the point.

Dean had left 2 hours ago!

Cas hadn't received a single text or a call or any signs of freaking _life_ in two hours! 2 Hours!

Lisa already hated the blue eyed man. Boundlessly.

No matter how kind Cas was, or tried to be, to the woman. She hated the very air he breathed. Glared at him every opportunity she got and grumbled her disposal each time Dean invited him places with them.

The curious part of it all was she wasn't always like that. When they had first met, she was pleasant enough, sharing polite conversation as well as anyone could with new company.

Yet, as the weeks in Lisa and Dean's relationship grew older, the more time she spent with Castiel, (considering there wasn't much Dean did without him) and time only proved to minimize her tolerance of Castiel, no matter what he did.

He gave up months ago struggling to get into her good graces. He mostly avoided her and her death glares now and went on with their lives, enduring one another miserably for the sake of Dean.

Unceremonious as usual, Dean kicked open the door, sauntering in past a heavily panicked Cas, eyes zeroed in on their fridge.

Acknowledging Cas's expectant form behind him, he cracks a beer open without looking to his roommate, "Want one?"

Rolling his eyes, Cas resists the urge to throw another projectile at Deans head, "I'm not even deigning that shit with a response, Dean."

"Fine." Dean shrugs, "More for me."

"How'd she take it?" Cas asks, following Dean into the living room, knowing if he doesn't bring it up Dean never will.

"Like hell."

A cold sweat then blankets over the brunette, instantly worried Deans gruff replies are due to blame he's placed on Castiel.

"I guess that's to be expected..." 

Dean lifts his gaze catching the distraught expression Cas wears from the corner of his eye,

"No, no. None of that." He says softly, setting his beer down on the coffee table, fighting off a sudden urge to wrap the other man up in his arms and comfort him.

"Maybe if I talk to her-"

"No, Cas." Dean immediately declines, "That ain't a good idea, bud. You're sort of like my outed mistress now. I'm sure you're the last person, after me, that she would like to talk to."

"Technically I'm your husband," Cas interjects without thinking, "Meaning Lisa's the mistress."

Dean looks to his best friend with amused disbelief, running rough fingers through his hair and smiling despite himself. 

Rolling bright blue eyes, Cas ignores his amusement.

"I fail to see the humor in this situation,Dean."

Dean offers him a teasing smile, "Cas, seriously. Relax."

Ignoring him again, Cas prods further "What did you tell her?"

"The truth." He says, "I got drunk with my best friend slash roommate, then we took a trip down to city hall and got hitched 'cause it sounded like the funniest thing to do at 7AM on a Thursday when you’re piss drunk."

Cas groans loudly, leaning forward on his knees and pinching the bridge of his nose, "I _sincerely_ hope you did not phrase it that way."

"More or less." Dean shrugs.

"Jesus! You know she already hates me, Dean and- oh my God, If she breaks up with you because of this-"

"If she breaks up with me over this," Dean interrupts, sitting up and facing Cas head on, "Then who gives a shit? Because I don't."

Cas shakes his head exasperatingly, not letting himself hope, "You love her, Dean, I've heard you say it. You love her and she's your girlfriend."

"And you're my best friend."

An uncomfortable silence hangs above them for a moment before Dean’s impulse to break it takes over.

Sighing, Dean bites his lip and feels the constant pull he feels towards Cas crash into him with more force than ever before.

He knows he shouldn't.

Not now, not when his girlfriend was so unbelievably angry with him and the implications of what they had done crackled between them.

But he can't help himself. Not when Cas had his lips budded out that way, just begging to be touched, to be hugged, touched _... Devoured._

So he relents,

"C''mere." Scooting the small distance between them, he pulls Cas against him until he's practically on top of Dean. His warmth soothing over him like a balm.

"Dean," Cas objects weakly, letting himself be manhandled none-the-less.

"Shuddup. I know you need it and honestly I could use one of these too."

He tries not to focus on just how true or deep those words run.

Waiting for his best friend to relax, he runs his hand across one of Cas' shoulders, in an attempt at coaxing away the tension living there, "Relax, Cas. We'll get the marriage annulled and it'll be like it never happened."

He sinks into the larger man despite himself, allowing the overwhelming perfection of Dean holding him soak up into his skin. He only lets himself feel a little guilty over it.

"Right." Cas agrees, voice almost vacant, "Like it never happened."

It takes a few minutes but soon Cas gives in to his desires, because Dean is here, he's beside him and offering his body to comfort Cas in a way Cas never should have indulged himself to begin with.

Dean must be entertaining his own mental battles, likely concerning Lisa and the implications their actions have awoken in their normally mundane lives.

Dean's hand had blindly wound itself into Cas' raven hair, unconsciously marveling at the softness as he fondled Cas's scalp.

It’s not until Cas is biting his lip hard enough to draw blood that Dean speaks up, "Do you remember anything, Cas?"

Cas raises a questioning eyebrow at his roommate asking for clarification but there's a part of him that knows _exactly_ what Dean is referring to.

Stumbling over his words Dean clears his throat, face warming up significantly, "About... Y'know...Our wedding day."

Smiling bitterly, Cas lifts his head from its spot on Dean’s chest, "No. Bits and pieces but nothing solid...Do you?"

"...Not a single thing."

***(6 Months into Marriage)***

Lisa eventually forgave Dean.

Week after unbearable week passed, saturated with non-stop arguing. Still, they remained together nonetheless. Even so, as the days grew closer to summer the underlying thread within each fight they shared was in response to the still very legally binding marriage tethering Dean and Castiel together.

It was six months later and Dean hadn’t gotten to it yet, so what? Life sort of gets in the way sometimes.

First, it was his promotion, then Sam's wedding, after that was Cas’ book launch, then there were holidays and a host of other things that got in the way. it wasn't like he was doing it on purpose, no matter what Lisa thought.

Plus, it’s not like Dean went around advertising his marital status. He never even mentions it, so there shouldn't really be a problem, right?

Red faced and panting like a wild dog, Dean barrels into his apartment searching for Cas.

"Cas!”

"We’re in the kitchen!”

"Hey, Benny," Dean says passively, not even bothering to look at the burly man.

Directing his focus to Cas, he places both hands on the dining room table where Cas and Benny are participating in a very intense game of chess. Or at least they _were._

_"_ Good, you're home!"

"Where else would I be?"

Pointedly ignoring the brunette, Dean cuts to the chase, "Do you know where our marriage license is?"

Momentarily stunned, Cas gapes at Dean.

_What did he just say to me_?

"Hello! Anybody in there? The marriage license bud, where is it?"

Removing himself from his thoughts, Cas clears his throat and looks to Dean with wide sapphire eyes,

"It’s uh, it's in my bedside drawer I think. O-or on top shelf of my closet-"

Dean is already walking over in the direction of Cas bedroom before he manages to properly end his sentence.

Sending Benny a quick look that was probably meant to convey, _what the hell is happening?_ Cas excuses himself wordlessly in favor of following Dean into his bedroom.

"Why exactly are you looking for our marriage license?"

Shining a large grin over his shoulder, Dean winks at his roommate, "'Cause you're about to love me." He says cryptically, continuing his search for their marriage license. 

There in all of his godly glory was Dean Winchester, standing proudly in Cas' bedroom like he belonged there.

Reaching above his head to casually rummage through Cas' messy closet. His shirt rising just the tiniest bit to display just enough of his skin to make Cas think of how amazing it would be to run his tongue alongside it.

Cas is momentarily unable to understand the concept of speaking when Dean gives him that smile, a sunny warmth encasing his entire body, glad to be the reason for such a stunning expression. 

_Seriously_ , who gave him the right to be so damn perfect!? It was infuriating!

Chuckling to himself, Dean decides to take pity on his best friend.

"In honor of pride month any queer married couple receives a free pizza pie of their choice provided they show a picture of their marriage license." He explains, pulling Cas from himself.

"Are...Are you telling people were married?

"We are." Dean replies, as if it's simple.

It's definitely _not_ simple.

Cas had noticed over the months that Dean had become sort of comfortable with the fact they got married all those nights ago.

At first they spoke about getting their union annulled, made plans to do so even. Dean had been the one to consult Sam and assured Cas he'd get it taken care of, but then the months passed and they forgot about the whole ordeal - well, not forgot - but avoided the subject enough they managed to push it past the forefront of their minds long enough to pass the deadline of annulments.

After they received the news they had waited too long and divorce would be the next course of action the dam of denial collapsed.

Dean became more inclined to call Cas his husband in public and poke fun at the flustered brunette at every chance he got, not that Cas minded. (At all.)

That being said, it didn't do well in the way of keeping Cas' feelings in check. Especially when Dean jokingly let his fingers run through his hair, or caressed his cheek like he actually _meant_ something to the other man.

It was frustrating and immoral and utterly magical, but it diffidently wasn't simple.

They continued to secretly refer to Lisa as Dean's mistress and maybe Cas shouldn't have permitted Dean to initiate their 'bro-cuddle' times more than before, but Cas couldn't bring himself to stop it all.

No matter the ache it caused his heart when he saw Dean with Lisa or when he'd pull away from far too intimate moments with a jubilant laugh. No matter the tears he shed knowing he loved her or the cries his soul shouted out knowing she could touch Dean in a way Cas never would.

It was truly pathetic, but as pathetic as it might have been, Cas revelled in the attention, knowing it would eventually end.

"We are. Why? Does it bother you for me to tell people?"

"Well no, but..."

"But?"

_But you have a girlfriend. But our marriage was a drunken mistake. But you don't love me, so stop pretending you do!_

"You um you shouldn't..."

"Cas, everyone knows that we're married. And I want pizza so- Found it!" Dean shouts in triumph, pulling out their pristine symbol of their martial insignificance.

“Should I put it in a frame, make it look more appreciated?

"Um-"

"I’m pretty sure I’ve got an empty one in the messy drawer of the living room.” Dean murmurs to himself absentmindedly.

Cas isn’t sure when they landed in the living room or when Dean had not only located an empty picture frame but taken a photo of what now lived within it.

Looking down at his phone to inspect the photo, Dean beams brightly, rather satisfied with himself, “Looks great. Half veggie half meat lovers right, Cas?

Clearing his throat and schooling his features, Cas nods his agreement,

"...Right."

"Thanks _babe."_ Dean says exaggeratedly giving Cas an equally as showy kiss on the cheek before disappearing behind their front door.

Flushed from head to toe, the tips of Cas's finger come up to caress his cheek tenderly, looking through the air rather than at anything in particular.

Benny Clears his throat, smirking obnoxiously.

"Not a word, Benny.” 

Raising his both hands up in surrender, Benny doesn’t even try to not look smug.

“Didn’t say a thing, Cher. It's your move” 

***(17 months into marriage)***

"Are you sure you don't want to go? We don't mind at all." Dean pleads softly.

Cas could clearly estimate based off of Lisa's purposeful silence and the expression on her face she _did_ mind. Very much.

"I'm sure, Dean." He promises, "I just have so much work to do here, I can't afford to take the time off."

"C'mon, Cas..."

Rolling her eyes, Lisa shoulders her bag unwilling to stand the rest of this conversation, "Dean, Baby, I'm gonna wait in the car. Goodbye, Castiel. Have a nice holiday."

Achieving a tight lipped smile, Cas waves at Lisa's retreating form, "You as well, Lisa."

Dean doesn't spare her a glance.

"Mom’s gonna miss you." He presses, hoping the soft spot Cas covets for his mother will suit him well in convincing the other man.

"I gave Mary a call yesterday. Yes, she appeared to be disappointed but she said she understood."

Cas won't meet Dean's eyes, A sure fire way of frustrating Dean.

"Fine," Dean sighs, "Then _I'm_ gonna miss you."

Cas offers him a soft smile, a throng of butterfly fluttering about his stomach,

"I'll miss you too, Dean. But you'll be home before you know it. It's just dinner."

"Yeah," Dean mutters, "but it won't feel the same. And I don't like the idea of you alone on Thanksgiving."

"This is the first proper introduction of your relationship with Lisa. You don't want me to intrude on it somehow."

"Cas is that what this is really about? Because that makes no sense, bud. They all know at least _of_ her and besides your _family_. Y’know it's not like either of you actually are my mistress."

Forcing a smile, Cas jokingly punches Dean’s shoulder, shifting uncomfortably at the concerned knit of the larger man's eyebrows.

"Oh, Lisa's _definitely_ the mistress."

"Cas-"

"Dean, if I didn't have to work I absolutely would go, but my deadline is tomorrow. I just can't." He lies.

Sighing deeply, Dean concedes.

"Fine, but if you change your mind; you just hop into that pimp-mobile of yours and show up, okay? There's always an open invitation waiting for you."

"Yes Dean. Thank you. Make sure to say hello to everyone for me."

"I will."

It's not until after the soft click of the front door echoes deep past Cas consciousness like a song he can't get out of his head that he lets himself cry selfish tears.

He doesn't have a right to be hurt. He _knows_ that. _Knows_ that Dean isn't his to want, was never his to feel like he was losing him. But that didn't make it any less true.

He couldn't watch as Dean's family - Castiel's family - fall as in love with Lisa as Dean had.

It was just too hard.

***

Dean didn't like attending family functions without Cas.

Cas just had a way of gliding through pointless conversation and veering the desired topics away from things Dean simply didn't want to get into. All while maintaining a pleasant air and ensuring everyone was enamored with the blue eyed man.

It was Dean's favorite part of Winchester gatherings, watching Cas as he flushed a brilliant pink, smiling and laughing freely and without a care in the world.

A welcomed contradiction to Cas' usual well calculated expressions and responses.

Arriving at his parents house, Dean could see the line of cars as he pulled up, suggesting they were the last to arrive, which didn't surprise Dean, considering he had spent a great deal of time trying to convince Cas to join them.

Dean and Lisa walked up to the front door I’m silence, each running along their raging thoughts.

Standing mutely as the couple waited for someone to answer the door Dean allowed himself to voice his concerns.

"Do you think Cas sounded a little off to you?" He remarks, feeling like he's missing something.

Lisa fixes him with a sharp look, "Do you think maybe we can focus on the fact that I'm meeting your _family_ for the first time rather than on the fact that Castiel assured you several times he was _fine_ and didn't want to come?"

"It's just so unlike him."

"Dean, _seriously_?!" Lisa hisses in warning.

"What?"

Before she can say another word, the door is joyously swung open revealing a happily tipsy Jo Harvelle.

"Dean!" She greets him, wearing a bubbly smile.

Taking the steps past the threshold, Dean pulls what has become a little sister to him into a tight bear hug.

"Hey, kiddo!"

Jo rolls her eyes.

"Hey, Grandpa, how’s the sciatica?" The petite blonde says in a voice sweet as sugar.

"Oh, screw you! I am ageless."

"Yeah, yeah. Where's your better half?"

Dean chuckles, used to his family teasing, "He stood home. Had a chapter due or something."

"And you actually _let_ him? _Wooow_.” She mused with an evil smirk, “Well, Mary's gonna have a cow. Can I be there when she throws apples at you again.

Dean throws his head back into a full body laugh, "Damn, I remember that Christmas! Cas laughed so hard he spewed eggnog out his-“

“ _Ahem_ ”

"Oh, my bad. Jo, this is my girlfriend Lisa. Lisa, this is Jo. She’s the annoying little sister I never wanted.”

“Oh please, your life was meaningless before I came into it.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” He dismisses the younger woman with a jeering wave of his hand and exaggerated roll of emerald colored eyes,

“Hey, where’s mom? We brought flowers.”

”She’s in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on the pie.”

”Ooo! You had me at pie.”

”You’re utterly predictable.” She critiques in mock disappointment.

”Yeah whatever.”

Narrowing her eyes, Jo aggressively sticks her tongue out at the eldest Winchester brother. Breaking her fake glare when he does the same.

”You're such a child," she declares. "I’m gonna go catch up with uncle John. It was nice to meet you Lisa.”

”You too, Jo!” She smiles brightly watching the small blonde bounce away. 

“I see your incessant talking about Castiel transfers over to your family as well.” She grumbles quietly through gritted teeth, so only Dean can hear her.

Frowning Dean lowers his own voice, “We don’t talk ‘ _incessantly’_ about anyone.”

Mumbling something not quite loud enough for Dean to interpret, Lisa trudges forward in the direction of what she assumes is the kitchen.

Looking up towards the sky, he silently prays that he will make it through this evening. 

Wishing, not for the first time that evening, he had convinced Cas to come as well.

Just as she always does, Mary Winchester succeeds in bringing the joy of these events back to Deans chest.

"Dean!" She calls, a blinding smile tugging at her cheeks as she looks to her beloved son.

Slicing apples into thin decorative wedges is Dean's mother, wearing a custom apron Cas had gifted her a few Christmases ago, flower clinging to her brow and woven through her hair.

"Hey, Ma!"

"Hi, honey," she says, grinning even wider in response to the kiss Dean places upon her flower coated cheek, "Where's my favorite son-in law?"

Dean pretends not to notice the wide eyed look Lisa couldn't help but express.

Swallowing warily, Dean directs his focus to his mother,

"Cas couldn't make it, Ma. He said he told you."

Frowning, Mary tosses a stray apple slice at her son's chest,

"He did, but I thought you'd have the good sense to convince him to come!"

"He feels terrible, but he wanted me to say hello for him."

"Oh alright, but let him know I was wearing the apron he got me and that I'm truly rockin' it." She winks, doing a small twirl and holding out her apron that reads in bright red and black font, ' _I'm The Chef. If You Don't Like The Food. I'll Stab You!'_

While Mary models idly, Lisa takes advantage of the distraction in favor of jamming her elbow into Deans rib.

Grunting his alarm, Dean shoots Lisa a warning look she matches with an equal amount of ferocity.

Shaking himself from his agitation, Dean turns to smile at his mother and compliment her apron, "I'll make sure to tell him you stole the show, but um I want to introduce you to someone."

"Oh, of course. How rude of me, sometimes we go enough time without seeing Dean and he's all we know how to process."

Lisa has to bite her lip over a polite smile in order to keep herself from saying, _There was no issue processing Cas' absence._

"No worries at all, Ma'am. It's lovely to meet you."

"Oh, please call me Mary, Dear."

"Of course. Thank you, Mary."

"Why don't you kids go and mingle while I finish up here then we'll start dinner."

"Sure, thanks, Ma."

"Always, hon. And if you see your father ask him to help set the table."

"You got it."

As the pair walk away, Lisa slinks her arm through Deans, "Does your entire family know that you and Cas are married?"

"Wel-"

"Dean!"

Releasing a sigh of release, Dean receipts the change of subject graciously,

"Hiya, Sammy."

The night continues on pleasantly after that. Dean is mindful to introduce Lisa before anyone can get a word in, hoping the effort is enough to save him from an argument.

It's not until another two relatives make comments about his marriage to Cas that he knows whether he likes it or not, never mind how careful Dean behaved, a fight was imminent.

They drive back to Deans apartment in silence. The air is almost choking in nature.

Normally, when Lisa was angry, it didn't matter what you did to try and placate her, she was bound to erupt loudly and violently.

However, that night, she was quiet. Wasn't glaring at the window shield or at Dean. Wasn't mumbling under her breath or throwing things.

It was unsettling.

They made it as far as the front door before Dean had enough.

"Alright out with it. You've been quiet the whole way home. What's on your mind, Lis?"

Without missing a beat,

"Your family really likes Castiel." She says simply. No discerning tone in her statement.

"Well yeah. I love him. Of course they're gonna love him too," Dean replies easily, not much thinking in what he's saying.

It's the first time he's ever used the words love when referring to Cas in front of her.

It's not like she didn't know. But having that confirmation, diluted and masked in negation as it was, seemed to push her over the edge.

Lisa isn't dumb, far from it, she always knew her boyfriend loved his best friend, yet she clung to the certainty that he would forever live in the very denial he orchestrated for himself.

Looking at her boyfriend, running the words he just said in her head, she began to understand that when he said he loved him, as fraudulent and false as his interpretation was of his own feelings, Dean would always be _in_ love with Castiel.

Whether he acknowledged it or not.

Still, as sure as she was, she needed to be certain.

Squaring up her shoulders, Lisa prepared herself for what just might be the end.

It took a single look at Lisa to make Dean realize that was the wrong thing to say.

"I was always too scared to ask you this, Dean, because I knew your answer would make me leave..."

"Lisa, what are you talking about?" Dean said, voice exhausted.

Turning sharply she meets his confused eyes and wants to wring his neck because, how can he be so radically blind?

"When you married Cas-"

"Oh c'mon. Not this again, Lisa." Dean interjects, far too worn out to have a screaming match with her, especially when he knew Cas was fast asleep in the other room, "I'm tired of this argument."

She starts again, tone more forceful, "When you married Castiel, who asked who?"

Dean's heart nearly stops. He scrambles for something to say, but all his brain can supply are fragmented moments he has no right to remember.

"What?"

Lisa made it a point to avoid any and all details pertaining to Dean and Cas nuptials, so her sudden interest only served to further irate the eldest Winchester.

"Who asked who to marry the other?" She presses.

"Lisa, I don't understand where you're going with this."

She wants to tell him, 'I'm going _away'!_

Instead, Lisa takes a calming breath, "Did _you_ \- drunk as you may have been - was it _you_ who proposed to Castiel or was it him who asked you?"

"What does this have to do with anything!?"

Dean deflects her question stubbornly, crossing his arms across his chest, his own agitation visible in his voice.

"Just answer the question, Dean!"

They stare at each other for some time. Simply breathing and waiting for the other to crack.

Moments pass in silence when Dean finally shakes his head and says,"I'm not answering that. You know I don't even remember anything."

It was enough of an answer for her.

"You asked." Lisa whispers, squeezing her eyes shut tightly.

"I'm not answering that question," He repeats, "I don't see how it’s important."

"So he's unimportant,then?"

Lisa sneers the words at the mechanic. A roaring fire lit within her eyes, every bit of frustration she has endured for so damn long consuming her apologetically.

All she sees within his own is a fierce will to protect. She can see what her words do to him. What that single statement instills.

As if even such a superficial averment could be so unbelievably offensive.

Dean fixes her with a sharp look, unforgiving in its intensity.

"...I asked him."

Lisa scoffs dryly, feeling the remnants of a thread bared resolve diminish bluntly,

"I thought you didn't remember anything"

Clenching his jaw, Dean persists, "...I don't know what you want me to say."

It's all pretty much a blur after that.

Like slow motion.

Dean watched numbly as Lisa shouted and began packing her things into a random duffel, making promises of coming back to pick up the rest of her things at a later date.

She shouted and she whispered to herself sarcastically but mostly she packed.

Turns out she didn't really have much in his apartment. It was unlikely she'd really have to come back. (A thought Dean admittedly felt guilty for favoring.)

Somehow Dean doubted she'd risk seeing him again over a few outdated CDs.

Dean hadn't uttered a word through the entire outburst. Simply listened and watched as she called him a coward and shoved scattered belongings into one of his duffel bags.

It wasn't until she was just feet from the door did he finally find the presence of mind to at least _try_ to stop her.

"Lisa..." Still at a loss for words, he reaches out for her arm thoughtlessly, letting go of his permanent scowl, causing the small woman to drop her bags where she stood, evading his grasp and meeting his eyes with a flood of seething anger and...clarity?

"You need to face the fact that the reason you haven't divorced Castiel is because you don't want to!" She accused, sternly.

"Neither of you do! It's the same reason why Castiel hasn't dated anyone in two years and you _'never get around to it_ '. If you could live your picture perfect life I would be nowhere in sight, Dean Winchester. And you and Castiel would give up this ridiculous facade of best friends or roommates or whatever, when anyone with two brain cells can see what's really going on between you. Anyone who has just a single conversation with the two of you is fucking drowned by the _Desire_ coming of you in waves. A desire that honestly," Lisa sighs looking defeated,

"I want someone to look at me the way you look at him - with all that _wanting_ … More than you ever wanted me."

"Cas doesn't feel that way about me." He denies, unable to determine why his heart would catch at the idea - the _absurd_ idea - that Castiel possessed any feelings for him.

Glaring at Dean, Lisa flattens her tone, "Case and point."

"Lisa-"

Laughing humorlessly Lisa looks to Dean with disappointment, "Notice how the only thing you have to say is ' _Cas doesn't have feelings for me'_ ? Not; 'I don't feel that way about Cas' or 'you're wrong' or how about, 'Don't go, Lisa. _I love you._ ' ?"

To her credit, while anger and frustration was in abundance throughout the entirety of this 'heart to heart,’ Lisa kept her cool. Not letting herself break down or cry at the loss of a nearly three year relationship.

She wanted Dean to be the one so badly she was willing to overlook not only marriage to another person but the undeniable, irrevocable _love_ he harbored for that person.

And it wasn't just any love, it was the kind of stuff your grandparents had; self sacrificing admiration and that constant fear that anything, including themselves, had the power to destroy this overwhelming feeling they were too scared to name.

She wanted that. And it wasn't her, or Cas' for that matter, fault that she and Dean weren't that for each other.

"Truly, I hope the two of you get your shit together because at this point," she pauses, letting her gaze shift from vibrant green to the silent bedroom sheltering the very person that owns Dean's heart, whether he knows it or not.

"I just feel bad for the guy."

Slamming the door shut behind her, Lisa leaves Dean and his misguided delusions behind her.

***

After Lisa and Dean break up, fully knowing he was the cause of said break up, Cas was expecting to wake up one morning to Dean presenting him with a stack of divorce papers and a pen.

An image he could see too clearly.

The idea haunted him. He hated that he was so weak and had become so comfortable with the fact him and Dean had drunk themselves into oblivion one night uniting them in a way he had begun to think would never be in the cards for him.

Not when he was so caught up in Dean. Not when he went on dates and all he could think about was getting home to the tenderness of Dean's touch and the soft caress of his bare skin dancing along his.

He knew it was wrong and vile and _sinful_ of him to indulge in something Dean wasn't even aware of, but he just couldn't help himself.

Couldn't control the butterfly's in his stomach when he called him his husband, even jokingly with his family or when Dean whispered deep and low so only Cas could bare witness to their intimacy, despite the two of them being alone anyway, tenderly boating that Cas deserved so much in life, promising he welcomed Cas' need for affection, never making him feel so bad for his fragility or unwillingness to stay away from the mechanic.

So, maybe he had revealed in the title of husband, knowing it held no stock. However Lisa was a necessary buffer. A reminder- an omen.

Ensuring Cas didn't get too lost in his own fantasies.

With her absence, Cas was sure Dean would start to realize maybe the way they were with each other might mean something to Cas after all. or maybe that this unwanted marriage wasn't worth all the trouble.

But it never came.

The days and the weeks passed and once Dean had explained to Cas how and why Lisa and him had split, save for a few details of course, Dean behaved just as he had been for the last few years.

His jokes pertaining to their marriage became more frequent maybe, and maybe asking Cas to share the bed with him because it was too cold was a bit off from what Dean had ever suggested in the past, but it was like he said.

Cas was totally at the mercy of his desires and delusions of a possible life with Dean Winchester, and it killed him.

It was possible, Cas was loss to logic in contempt of his yearning for the eldest Winchester but even aware of that, he couldn't help think,

_What an awfully beautiful way to die._

Dean knew Cas blamed himself for his and Lisa's failed relationship. Rare as it was, Cas was wrong on this one. Lisa and Dean hadn't been clicking for some time. If he's honest with himself, they never did to begin with. 

But sometimes it's easier to be with someone unhappily than to be miserable alone. (Or face truths with the potential to render him beyond repair.) Misery loves company and all that. 

That being said, Dean made it his mission to ensure Cas, that he didn't entertain an ounce of agitation towards the author. 

It started off by initiating more private moments between the two of them, pulling away and group events to sit alone and share hushed conversation, swinging an arm across Cas chair to murmur jokes into his ear, sometimes pressing a friendly kiss to his temple before leaving. 

The more affection he show'd Cas, even outside of being upset, the more he saw Cas didn't seem to be uncomfortable by his touch. 

The weeks passed and he knew, by this point, it wasn't possible Cas still thought Dean could be upset with him over the break up, but he didn't stop.

He couldn't.

Not when Cas' cheeks flushed that brilliant pink, plush lips dusting darker, Perfectly white teeth piercing through them in a way that made something electric and dangerous pump through Dean's body. Wanting more than anything to replace Cas' teeth with his own. To tug onto tantalizing flesh, then smooth it over with his tongue. 

Cas was sat beside him, lounging with his back snug to Dean's side, Dean's arm snaked around his waist, eliminating any semblance of space brave enough to come between them.

His cheeks were still pink, even thirty minutes after Dean had called his pajamas cute. 

His eyes traced just how far that blush ran, dancing along his collarbone and Dean resisted the urge of sinking his teeth into-

He had stopped his thoughts short before little Dean downstairs tapped into his overactive imagination. 

It took him a moment to realize he was heaving his breaths, heart racing while also feeling relieved, as if a weighted blanket had been concealing something far too precious to deny, finally freed from its suffocating confinements and no longer willing to lie. 

This only enhances the fear crawling up his throat and tugging at his insecurities. 

Where had _that_ come from?

Dean hadn't thought about Cas that way since they met. 

Dean had been borderline obsessed with the raven haired man from the moment his eyes landed on the author. But Cas never responded to his flirting and along the way they became friends, then best friends then roommates and quickly Dean let go of that attraction because he valued their friendship. 

But those feelings had faded, he was sure they did. They had been discarded and replaced by friendship and respect. Desire had no place involved with that...right?

Desire...

_Anyone who has just a single conversation with the two of you is fucking drowned by the_ **Desire** _coming of you in waves!_

Lisa's words ran into him like a freight train. Spinning around his mind, enough to make him dizzy. 

Was she right? Were Dean and Cas living thia fake-real married because something else was there?

As subtle as he could manage,Dean tries to shake the thoughts from his head, as to not jostle the man cuddled into his side.

No, there's no way she's right. 

Cas didn't have feelings for him. He didn't! 

_You need to face the fact that the reason you haven't divorced Castiel is because you don't want to! Neither of you do!_

He tried to visualize the concept of him actually saying he didn't have any feelings for Cas, a rancid taste promptly filling his mouth.

Dean tries to imagine actually going through with their planned divorce.

Searches his mind blindly, for an inclination that suggested they might at some point- any point actually go through with it.

After several moments he comes up short. 

He unconsciously tightens his hold on Cas’ waist, as if to prepare for some faceless force meaning to take him away.

_It's the same reason why Castiel hasn't dated anyone in two years._

Dean won’t pretend that he hadn’t noticed Ketch had been Cas last relationship. He also didn’t miss how triumphant that single fact made him feel.

Cas deserves better. _That_ was no new revelation. Nor was it an opinion.

Cas deserved the world. Period. The end. That’s all she wrote.

Cas was the single most bright and attentive not to mention, selfless human being he had ever met. They guy was practically an angel.

Okay, so maybe along the way Dean had let the lines blur and possibly forgot, or rather, didn’t care, that the foundation of which his and Cas’ union was built off was a drunken night. Because as long as Cas even just resembled something that Dean could have, even if only paper he would always have that one night.

Dean won’t pretend he didn’t feel things like admiration and awe when thinking of Cas, the butterfly’s and raw, detrimental longing keeping him up at night and driving him crazy enough to actually indulge in whatever affection the other man was willing to supply was undeniable.

However, he never allowed himself to investigate them.

Not when he couldn’t truly have him.

And damn Lisa! Damn her salting this brutally open wound hovering over his heart.

Damn Lisa, Damn her words still echoing and bouncing off the recesses of his mind, addressing things he simply can’t face.

Unable to stop his own assault on his mind, he contemplates the theory that he didn’t want to.

Not after so many weeks living like a real married couple (Years, really). There was no other way of regarding what the two of them were doing.

But...

Cas doesn’t feel that way about Dean.

He never has and why would he?

Yes, Dean was a decent person, and yes he would spend the rest of his life trying to be even just a iota of what Castiel deserved, but the main reason he had locked away those feelings all those years ago was because he knew in his scarred and damaged heart that he would never be good enough for Cas.

He wants to believe Cas could have feelings for him.

He wants Lisa to be right, he can admit that to himself in this single solitary moment, with Cas’ head lolling sleepily against his chest. The smaller man’s warmth so close to his own, causing an ocean of contented happiness, Dean is sure he’s never felt before.

But....

_But... there’s a but. Something that keeps us apart. Because if there isn’t I’ve wasted so much time._

”Dean?” Cas implores sleepily. Eyes hooded and hair falling flat into them.

Panicked as he was, Dean couldn’t help the soft chuckle seeing Cas all sleep deprived and domestic.

The hand not rubbing circles on the skin of Cas’ hips reaches up and runs nimble fingers through jet black hair, as to push it away from a Kaleidoscope of blue hues.

”Hmm.”

”You okay, honey?” he asked, thoughtlessly. ”You’re stiff. Do you want to go to bed?”

Again, Dean couldn’t stop his breath from hitching at the term of endearment or the not so subtle implication that proposed they’d be sharing a bed.

An act they had participated in several times in the last weeks, but never at Cas’ request. Always Dean’s.

He feels himself preen with pride at Cas hum of satisfaction, the blue eyed man standing lethargically, offering Dean a hand to join him. 

A content sleepy smile emphasizing just how truly handsome Cas was, summoned a rush of feelings strong enough to let Dean hope. 

That night lying in bed beside one another, breathing softly, limbs tangled and pressed together, Dean decides,

Yes, he does have feelings for Cas, might even love him, but the jury was still out on whether or not Cas had similar sentiments.

With Cas clinging to Dean in his Moments before sleep the way he was, Dean thinks how Cas hasn’t exactly been pestering Dean for a divorce either.

”What’re you thinking about, De?”

Cas’ eyes are shut, lips too close to Dean’s neck.

Pulling the author closer to his chest he felt another rush of hope consume him.

Dean presses a hardly there kiss on Cas forehead just to do something with his mouth besides explain the hurricane of realization that could potentially shatter everything he’s come to need in life.

His heart couldn’t discern between friendly love and in love when it came to Cas.

His heart didn’t understand it wasn’t good enough, but if Cas was willing to let Dean but his emotionally crippled hands on his skin then maybe, just maybe, Cas could love him too.

Heart racing, the mechanic takes in their position. His lips moving against my bare skin with every word. Distracting him more than he cares to admit.

“I’m thinking about you.”

Cas’ small body somehow presses closer still into his side, causing a tremor to course through them both.

Suddenly, Deans racing thoughts come to another screeching halt,

He longer cares how they got here.

Choosing instead to marvel in what must be a real life dream, he has no intention of jolting himself away from.

_”_ Why?”

”Because I’m always thinking about you.”

As Dean closed his eyes, he mentally promised he would do all he could to be good for Cas, to love him, to express it in a way he’s never been too keen on with other lovers. He would show him he didn’t need sex or even a public label as long as he could spent all his nights this way.

Lazily watching television, cuddled up on their couch and holding on to each other as they succumbed to sleep. 

***(Twenty months into marriage.)***

Cas and Dean arrived at the new home together, as always, carrying the a new blender they had split for the newly wed couple. 

“Did you remember to leave the receipt in case they need To exchange it?

Dean rolls his eyes affectionately, “Yes, dear.”

”Okay good, I signed the card for both of us. Do you think we should run back and get them that bottle of wine? It really wasn’t too much.”

”Cas, sweetheart, relax. Charlie’s here tonight she probably brought a small liquor store with her. We’re fine. It’s just a housewarming party”

“Well, that’s a big deal, Dean! Buying a house in this economy is difficult and stressful. I want them to see they have our full support and are happy for them.”

“I repeat, it’s just a housewarming party.”

Cas rolls his own eyes, not quite as affectionately, “You’re an assbutt, you know that?”

”Yes, but I'm adorable right?”

”Just knock on the door.”

Flashing a wicked smile, Dean repeats, “Yes, Dear.”

Striking his fist against the muddy brown door Dean smirks at the author, 

"What?" 

"Nothing," Dean replies but doesn't lessen his gaze one bit.

Trying to fight a smile, Cas pointedly keeps his gaze on the door. Again, Dean isn't deterred in the least.

"What!?" He snaps after a moment, grinning beguilingly. 

"You're beautiful."

"I will punch you, Dean Winchester."

Just then, the front door swings open, revealing an animated Sam.

"I thought I heard an old married couple bickering.” 

“Hey, what can I say? We’re nothing if not classic.”

Shooting Cas a quick wink, Dean steps forward to bring Sam into a quick man hug.

”Hey little bro, how’s it going?.”

”Not too bad. I’m glad you guys could make it. Come in, come in. Let me give you a tour,” Stepping aside Sam makes room to let the couple in.

The house wasn’t grand or momentous by any means, but it felt warm and homey.

The walls were already half decorated with family photos along the staircase and random mantels. A throw theatrically placed to make the house look little more lived in.

It wasn’t much, but Cas could just see Sam shouting across the kitchen for Gabe to move his ass, Dean somewhere in the backyard setting up the barbecue. All gathered and celebrating as they were now.

”Oh, we got you a house warming present,” Cas announces.

Smiling graciously, Sam accepts the carefully wrapped box Cas offers, pointedly directing his next comment at Cas and only Cas.

”Thank you, _Cas._ That was very sweet of _you.”_

_"_ You're very welcome, Sam. It's a blender, but the receipts inside just in case of anything."

Dean scoffs outraged at being entirely ignored, addressing Sam when he says, _"Um,_ Fuck you, bitch. It’s from the two of us.”

”Oh yeah, just how my graduation gift was from the two of you too? Yet you didn’t even know what it was till after I opened it.”

”Hey I fucking flew to Stanford for you that was gift enough!” Dean points out. “ Plus, Cas and I are married. We get joint gifts.”

”Fair enough. I’m gonna go find Gabe and set this up. Oh! Cas, mom was antsy for you to get here, says she has a new recipe to share with you.”

Bouncing excitedly, Cas looks at Dean, gazing at bright emeralds with an adorable expression like a child asking for permission to go play with his friends. 

"Yeah, yeah go ahead, you don't wanna watch two grown men fight a blender anyway." 

Displaying his patented gummy smile that does just unspeakable things to Dean, Cas excuses himself politely to Sam before sticking his tongue out at Dean, only to lean forward rising to his tip toes and placing a chaste kiss to his cheek.

"Thanks, honey!"

Then he promptly disappeared around the bend of Sam's living room in search of Mary. 

Gazing after the brunette even after he was beyond his view, Dean smiled at the air Cas had just been taking up. 

"So..." Sam began, regaining his older brother's attention, "How’s that going?"

"How's what going?"

"Oh so we're still there? I thought you too were past all that."

Dean smiles besides himself. "We are."

Raising a single eyebrow, Sam turns to face Dean. Setting the blender down on the counter. 

For a moment he's stunned. His brother’s never been one to come to grand conclusions on his own, less so when it came to Cas. 

"You _are_?"

Sam didn't mean to sound so disbelieving. 

Dean thinks to this morning, where he woke up with Cas' head gently resting on his chest. Dark hair matted and sticking in different directions. Cas had been awake his hand against Dean's stomach as he propped his phone on him. Watching videos on some social media platform. Dean had startled him with his booming laugh and they pretend-argue about whether or not Dean was an ottoman and Dean couldn't remember being anything other than happy. The intimacy between them in moments like those as well. 

And no, they never said it, but there was no way Cas and him weren't on the same page. 

"He's everything to me, Sammy... He's my everything."

***(Twenty-Four months into marriage.)***

Cas isn’t sure when, but somewhere along the way he forgot Dean and him weren’t together. Weren’t dating, weren’t truly married. Only roommates.

In his defense, Dean made it exceedingly hard to remember. 

Somewhere along the way, he had fallen asleep and woke up, secure and happy, breathing in Dean’s intoxicating smell and became drunk on a life he truly hadn’t earned.

He might never have awoke from that stupor had it not been for their ‘Two year anniversary’.

Cas had had a pretty shitty day at work. His editor had scraped a huge chunk out of his most recently completed chapter, and while he knew her suggestions definitely held merit, he had hit a wall creatively.

More importantly, it had delayed his arrival home. It was a Friday, meaning Dean got home at 6 and they could eat take-out and watch trashy horror movies until the early hours of the morning, without any true consequences. 

He was removing the key from the lock, when his mind successfully managed to take in the bright crimson flower petals sprinkled over their wooden floor. 

Furrowing his brows in confusion, Cas's gaze shifts upwards seeing that the trail of pedals traveled past their living room.

He's not sure why his heart is beating so fast.

"Dean?" He calls out.

He follows the pedals all the way into what had become his and Deans bedroom.

Standing at the fire escape, the metal itself also sheeted with flower petals stood Dean wearing a white button up and dress pants. Holding out a chair for Cas to accept.

"You're literally insane." Cas laughs, biting his lip around a beaming grin.

"Yeah, well all part of the charm."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah." 

Dean winks, offering a hand that Cas eagerly accepts. Letting himself be pulled out onto the fire escape and sitting on the chair waiting for him."

"Is this even safe?"

"Maybe?"

Laughing together harmoniously, the two of them start talking aimlessly and eating their meal in pleased ambiance. 

Pouring Cas a glass of wine, Dean takes hold of the neck of his beer and makes a motion for a toast.

"Wow, you're going all out tonight."

"Shh, I'm toasting," Dean chides, eyes crinkling at the edges "I know you know what today is, and I know the first year we ignored it but all I wanna say is, Happy anniversary, Cas."

"Aww, Dean. You didn't have to do all this."

"Yeah, but I wanted to."

Smiling shyly, Cas reaches forward and runs his thumb over Dean’s hand, just as he's done a million times in the past months. 

"Happy anniversary, Dean."

Together they watched the sun set, their chairs pushed close beside each other. Cas' leg swung over one of Deans to be even closer still. Deans hand carelessly trailing back and forth over Cas' thigh. They spoke for hours about trivial matters; work and book ideas, they spoke about their apartment and possibly taking after Sam and Gabriel and investing in a home.

It was beautiful and the most romantic gesture Cas had ever received before in his life. It was everything he could have wanted. 

But reality struck like lightning intending to make light of what Cas had become blind to.

Sitting there, having run out of conversation, Dean and Cas simply enjoyed the cool breeze and each others’ company, the sun long gone and replaced by the glowing moon.

There was no lavish moment or enchanting speech. I mean, Cas was still in his work clothes for Christ sake!

The air was light and effortless, when they decided to head to bed.

Cas was lying on his back, Dean resting his head in his hand to look down at him, neither of them were really speaking about anything in particular. Mostly just staring into colorful eyes permitting the sensations the other stirred inside them dictate their nonverbal desire.

It was times like these, when all he could feel was electricity that made Cas think maybe Dean was going to kiss him.

What he did instead was equally as stunting,

" _God_ ," Dean observes the curve of full enticing lips, trailing over the apples of Cas' cheeks with the tip of his finger,"...I love you, Cas."

Cas felt the tip of his tongue dip into the words _I love you too_.

He could taste it, could feel how alleviated they would make him. Yet instead of finishing the gap between them and sealing his lips to any available spot of skin, he purses his lips as tightly as he can, afraid the words would escape him like his heart did his control.

Cas never had a choice when it came to loving Dean.

It was enthralling- _he_ was enthralling, captivating in all of his beauty, covered in scars and insecurities as he was, Dean was still the most beautiful thing on God's green earth.

There was not a force in heaven, hell or purgatory that could make him stop loving Dean.

And it was because he loved him that Cas had to put a stop to this.

"Cas?"

The insecurity in his voice only made Cas feel worse. A vice gripped at his heart, squeezing tighter the more concerned Dean turned.

"Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you don't have to say it back. It's fine if you don't say it back.

Cas isn't sure when Dean had risen to his knees or when his own hand had risen to grip at his chest.

Dean hugged Castiel tightly against his body, rubbing soothing circles onto his back, murmuring sweet nothings and assuring words if only to say anything at all.

"I'm sorry," Cas gasps out and his heart is weeping. 

Bleeding out and begging him not to do what he's about to do!

This marriage was a mistake to the larger man, Cas knew that. He always knew that. Had heard Dean say those words to Lisa through grit teeth for over a year.

And now he loved him? Now, he held him and called him beautiful? Now they were together and the world was fine?

No. Dean didn't love Cas. He was as sure of Dean's lack of feelings as he was of how true and powerful his own were. 

Maybe unconsciously Dean had assumed the position of a spouse to spite Lisa for her accusations. Or maybe there was another reason entirely Castiel hadn’t yet grasped but his heart couldn't take this anymore!

He couldn't pretend that it would leave irreparable after Dean snapped out of whatever fairy tale they had stumbled into. 

He married Dean so drunk he couldn’t even remember the ceremony and he had remained hung over on his sober feelings ever since, unable and unwilling to give up even just a title of his husband.

And that wasn’t fair to Dean.

Cas was selfish and Dean deserved a real relationship. One with a _woman_ as he always envisioned. 

Dean was his one. he was perfect and everything Cas could have wanted in a man, but Cas wasn't that for Dean. 

He never had been.

"Cas, you're scaring me!"

Swallowing thickly, Cas tries to catch his breath, "I'm okay." He lies.

"What happened?"

"N-nothing. Nothing. I- I just.. I have to go get some fresh air."

"Cas, I didn't mean to freak you out."

"No, no, you didn't freak me out."

Somehow Dean found that hard to believe considering the cavern of space between them. Dean standing at the foot of their-his- bed, Cas' chest still heaving as he stood by the door.

"Cas-" Dean tries again, stepping towards the author. 

Cas only back up further, "I just need.. I need a minute."

Dean listened to the soft click of their front door minutes later, the tears leaking from his eyes gently, cursing himself for ruining it all with his big fucking mouth.

_"Fuck!"_

***

Cas sneaks into their apartment before the sun is fully up. He expected at least a few hours before Dean would wake up, before he'd have to do the last thing he'd ever want to.

However, the moment he enters the living room, he sees a worse for wear Dean. 

Twirling a small box about his hands, not sparing Cas a single glance when he sits across from him. 

"What's that?" Cas says, anything to prolong the inevitable.

Dean clears the lump from his throat, "I uh, I forgot to give you this last night. It's sort of an anniversary present." Dean explains.

"Oh."

"What's that?" Parroting the other man, Dean gestures to the large envelope, Cas clutches in his hands. 

Cas sighs deeply, but it does nothing for the hollowness in his chest.

"These," he begins, "are divorce papers."

"D- Divorce papers? W- Are we getting divorced?"

Cas keeps all the emotion from his tone, not strong enough to be kind as he rips his own heart out.

"It's about time don't you think."

"If this is about me telling you I love you, I'm sorry. Do you not want me to say it again?... Do you not love me?" 

Cas wants to fucking get on his knees and beg him to love for real. To mean it,

_Please,God why can't he mean it?_

Instead he says tiredly, "You don't love me, Dean."

"Yes, I do." Dean doesn't mean to sound so thoroughly offended.

Cas pretends not to notice the canyon of distance between them or the abyss growing in his chest in response to having Dean so close but so, so far away.

It's pain that he'd become addicted to, all if just to be near him, but after having him in whatever small way he was allowed all it did was wreck the whole inside him further.

It's the pain that makes him lash out.

"No, " He beseeches. "No you don't. We've been living this-this... this farce! We've been pretending for so long we forgot none of this was real, Dean. You _don't_ love me. So, please, _please_ stop saying that you do because I can't- I... Please, just stop. And please just sign the papers."

" _Why_?"

"Dean, please... Sign the papers."

"Why?"

Cas doesn't reply, choosing to pull the leafs of paper from that forsaken envelope, placing them on the coffee table before them.

Dean shoves them aside, without breaking eye contact with Cas.

"Answer me, baby. _Talk_ to me."

Usually, anytime Dean spoke to him so sweetly, his heart would pick up to twice its normal speed, making him feel warm and content and out of breath in the best way. 

Now, all it did was stop his heart all together.

It was for the best that it did, otherwise he was afraid he'd bleed out right there in front of him. 

"Because it's not fair to you." He finally appeases.

Cas watches Dean’s shoulders straighten and his eyes narrow,"That's not why."

"What do you want?" Cas snaps, his anxiety spiking,

_Why is he fighting me on this? Why does he insist on making this harder than it already is?_

Figuring perhaps annoyance might translate better for the mechanic to let go,

"Do you want to stay married, go on dates, have _sex?_ And what then? What if I just don't do it for you in bed or you wake up from all of this one day? _What then_?"

_What happens when you wake up and I never do?_

With an indeterminable expression Dean moves to stand, "First off, I seriously doubt that you and I in bed wouldn't be anything other than an actual religious experience, but that besides the point, because Cas, your talking nonsense! You can't honestly tell me these last two years with me, even when I was with Lisa, haven't been some of the happiest of your life." Dean argues, getting closer to the smaller man,

"They were the happiest of mine. These last seven months have been down right surreal."

"Dean-"

"You love me, Cas, " He interrupts. Dean utters the words as if read off of text. No room for discussion or contradiction. 

Dean settles himself between Cas' thighs, taking hold of his face in both of his hands, to meet his stubborn gaze.

"You _love_ me."

Cas shuts his eyes stubbornly, but Dean continues anyhow,

"Probably not as much as I love you,"

Mentally, Castiel scoffs,

"Because truly, it’s more than anything anyone has _ever_ been able to feel . But, I know it. I know you love me, because its scary how much I fucking _need_ you in order to function properly and a lot of the time I want to run because I'm not good enough for you." 

He lets one hand fall to grasp one of Cas', slowly trailing over the skin of his forearm then chest,

"I'm not good enough for these hands, or these arms, those eyes that look straight into my soul and call me out on my bull shit and _sparkle_ when he speaks to my mother."

Leaving his hand at Cas’ chest Dean flattens his palm onto the cloth covered flesh of Cas' chest until all Dean knows is the soft _thump, thump, thump_ living there.

"This _heart_. This heart is far too precious for me to even be in the same vicinity, and for some reason I think you might think the same thing about me and that's why you're doing this, but I assure you I can put all that doubt to bed for you. If you let me..."

Cas wants to fight. He wants to scream that Dean is wrong, that his love does not reach further than friendly, he just wants to be able to lie to Dean Winchester, for once in his fucking life, he wishes he could stop himself before it was too late. 

But he can't.

The weight and fear of being left broken hearted and alone at the hands of Dean was the things nightmares were made of, yet sitting here, watching the panic and determination rival in brilliant green, Cas feels himself sag in defeat, finding it irrelevant because if Dean were to wake up tomorrow and change his mind at least they would have today.

"I want to believe you." He confesses.

The relief was tangible through the small space separating them.

"Then believe me, baby. Please, Cas."

"What if-"

"What if the world ends tomorrow and I never got to tell you how I feel? What if the world ends tomorrow and we're divorced?"

"I... Dean...I wish I could remember that night. Maybe then I wouldn’t have so much doubt that I manipulated us. Something that told me maybe you wanted me before too, before I made you marry me."

"D-do you think this was all _your_ idea?"

"Well, yeah. Wasn't it?"

"No.” Dean corrects with a dry laugh,

”No, Cas, it was _mine_. I was jealous at the thought of you marrying Han Solo and said your name should be Winchester, you laughed it off then I stood up and got back down to one knee and shoved my face into yours, I asked you to marry me while I was still kissing you and then by some Miracle you said yes."

There was a moment of tense silent before, "You... you remember?"

“ _Every bit of it._ I remember how you chanted yes against my lips and kept asking me if I were sure. I remember the tears sliding down our cheeks when they pronounced us husbands. And that night, while Charlie was puking her guts out, I remember how your skin felt underneath my hands and how your breath would hitch each time I said I love you, 'cause mine did the same, each time you said it back. I remember how you kiss, fiercely, _passionately_ and how much I'd kill to have another taste.”

Dean’s voice was far too sultry for such a serious conversation, the deep timber of his voice saying everything Cas could have possibly wanted to hear makes the smaller man’s stomach stir aroused, bits of what he can’t be sure are memories or fantasy assaulting his mind. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" He murmurs. 

"Does it matter?”

Cas smiles brokenly, almost as if unsure if he's allowed to be happy.

A wave of relief and love soaks through Deans skin and he drops down to his knee in front of this divine man.

Dean scrambles about the table beside the where he had set aside Cas’ anniversary present, once he acquires it, Dean shreds the frail paper away to reveal a small velvet box.

Upon opening up the miniature box, Cas can’t stop the gasp pulled from his lungs. There, shining bright and proud, was John Winchester’s ring, the one Cas had awoken wearing all those years ago. 

Grasping Cas’ left hand in both of his own, Dean looks into beautiful blue and through the tears in his eyes, he says,

"Castiel Novak, Will you be crazy enough to stay married to me?"

Nodding wordlessly around a river of happy tears, Cas pulls on Deans shoulders until he stands, "I love you, " Cas chokes, "I love you. I love you. I love you"

He speaks against heated flesh, lips caressing any surface of skin available to him.

"I love you too. God, I love you too."

***28 months into marriage***

“Charlie called to say she’s coming over tonight, says she’s bringing wine so prepare for some ‘chick Flick moments.’”

“Nghh,” Dean moans mockingly. “C’mon, Cas you know what your fingering quoting does to me.”

Barking out a laugh, Cas throws a piece of cut carrot at his husband, trying to bite back his smile when Dean catches it with his mouth.

“I hate you.” He says flatly.

“You _love_ me. What time did she say she’d get here.”

"Pretty late. Ten-ish?”

"So, we're getting drunk tonight is what I'm hearing?"

"No!,” Cas denies, "Last time we got drunk, you married me."

Dean wiggles his eyebrows at the shorter man, "I'm missing the negative in that statement." Cas ducks his head down, blushing fiercely.

“I hate you.”, he repeats.

Walking up behind his husband he pulls the knife away from Cas grasp before spinning him around to face him.

"Shut up and kiss me."

Biting his lip, Cas blushes further, "As you wish."

Turns out Cas _did_ like affection.

Which is good, because Dean seems to like it too.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a cute lil ficlet I've been sitting on for a while.  
> Yay! Thank you for reading, Lovelies, I hope you enjoyed! I had a lot of fun writing this fic, so please let me know what you think in the comments. They really make my day!  
> Stay safe, everyone!
> 
> Shout out to a_qualitystudentharmony for being fuckin' awesome and beta reading this fic for me!


End file.
